


The time i've lost

by NaoYoshikawa



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Auror Harry Potter, Bottom Draco Malfoy, Drarryland: A Drarry Game/Fest, Drarrython, Good Draco Malfoy, Love, M/M, POV Draco Malfoy, Post-Canon, Secret Relationship, Top Draco Malfoy, Top Harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:20:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24826708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaoYoshikawa/pseuds/NaoYoshikawa
Summary: It's been a few years since the end of the war and, one winter evening, Harry and Draco meet again. There is so much unspoken, so many regrets and pain between them, but in the cold the two will be able to find each other again and warm up."Draco, wait. Don't go. It's been so long...""Exactly. It's been so long," he repeated, and then looked at him, smiling sadly. "I don't know exactly what I expected. Maybe that everything had remained the same. It's stupid, isn't it? Of course it can't be like that. Not anymore. And I don't belong here."Harry wouldn't let go. Even when Draco had his back to him, he clung on, holding him from behind. And Malfoy was sure to miss him."Harry, please...""I missed you, Draco. Then you're real. Then I'm not dreaming."She squeezed him tighter and from that position she took the opportunity to breathe his perfume, to touch his neck with her lips. Draco struggled weakly to resist, grabbed Harry's hand and held his chest, closing his eyes.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	The time i've lost

"Draco..."  
It had been too long since they'd last seen each other. So long that now Harry didn't know exactly how to react, behave, talk.  
And besides, Malfoy had looked at him with those grey, icy eyes of his, but also melancholy. Just one look, but it made his breath take away.  
"Harry..."  
He wanted to bite his tongue. She had hardly ever called him by his name, and yet his lips had moved on their own, slipping out of his control.  
It was snowing that night in late January. When Harry had left the Ministry office to go home, he would never, not in a million years, have thought to meet him. How many years had passed? About seven or eight?  
They hadn't seen each other since the end of the Second Magic War, but it would have been wrong to say that they hadn't thought about each other anymore.  
"What are you doing here?" Harry asked, almost in a whisper, as he got closer and delicate snowflakes settled in his dark hair. Draco clutched his lips, trembled, feeling stupid and helpless. How could she explain to him that it was not by chance that he was there? That he had gone there in hopes of meeting him? That that decision had cost him years and years of doubt and worry?  
Malfoy stiffened.  
"If you really want, I'll leave," he said poisonously. Although much of his temper had softened over the years, he remained deeply bitter and arrogant. But that reaction didn't bother Harry, far from it.  
He was smiling.  
"I don't say that at all. I just didn't expect to find you here. I'm glad. I mean, how... how are you?"  
Harry felt pretty stupid too, because there were actually a thousand and thousand things he wanted to ask him. But having Draco there in front of him after years seemed like a dream, a vision, so he wasn't sure if he was completely lucid.  
Malfoy bent his head slightly to the side. How was he?  
Not so bad, surely it was worse, just after the war, for example.  
Things had been going well for some time.  
"Is that really the best you can ask me after all this time? I'm fine, anyway. And so are you, I guess."  
It had always remained impassable and difficult to understand. Yet there was a time when his soul had been transparent as water to him. Or almost. Perhaps not enough.  
"Amh, you're right," he giggled. "Listen... maybe it's better if we take some cover. What do you say?"  
Draco would never have admitted it, but he'd hoped. On the outside it might have seemed cold and controlled as usual, but inside it was a storm of emotions. Walking next to Harry after all that time was absurd, yet it didn't seem unnatural.  
Of course not, that could have been their future. Harry was awfully quiet. Maybe he was a little in awe, maybe he was just embarrassed not knowing what to say or do. At that hour and time everything was closed and certainly staying in the snow and freezing would have been unseemly. So he had made the most logical decision: to go to his home in Grimmauld Place. When he suggested it, Draco hadn't had a great reaction, he had simply answered with a shrug of his shoulders, every place would be the same.  
Even though a house was actually more intimate...  
"Ah, so you've really come to live here after all?" asked Draco, mistrustful. Harry laughed as he looked at him out of the corner of his eye - he was always beautiful and his blond hair had become much longer than when he was at school. Not to mention his proud and elegant bearing, his hard look and his always delicate features.  
"Yeah. It may not be a manor, but it's home, huh?" he joked, opening the door and making him sit down. Draco came in, looking around carefully. It wasn't as terrible as he'd imagined. Of course, nothing to do with his elegant, opulent house, but there was much worse.  
"Please sit down. Maybe I'll make some tea, right away!" exclaimed Harry, taking off his heavy wet jacket, rather awkwardly in fact.  
Up until then, they'd both been good at pretending nothing had happened, but how long could it last? Draco was sitting on his couch and his heart was beating so fast, his hands were shaking so much that the other one would probably have noticed.  
He had no idea how it would end.  
Harry returned shortly afterwards with a tray in his hands, very often he preferred not to use magic, perhaps even out of habit.  
"Here, here, this is yours and this is m-!"  
The bad cup fell on the carpet floor and ended up under the coffee table. Draco looked up as Harry apologized and bent down to pick it up.  
It was all so goddamn weird, but he got himself into that situation.  
"Harry. Please, stop it and come and sit here instead," he said bored.  
The other did not really feel like disobeying, so he sat down next to him, nervously rubbing his hands and talking, after a few seconds of silence.  
"I'm... really very happy to see you. How long has it been exactly?"  
"About seven years and five months," Malfoy replied, drinking tea from his cup. "I know you've become an Auror in the meantime. Though late, the  
congratulations, it was your dream. And I know you're with that Weasley girl..."  
"Oh, no!" interrupted him right away Harry. "I mean, we were together, but we broke up about three years ago. Things just weren't working out, so... nothing..."  
Talking about that was embarrassing. Draco had to admit he felt very relieved. He rested the cup on the table, looking straight ahead. There was a particular tension between him and Harry. There always had been. They'd always been attracted, first mentally and then physically. Attraction that in all those years, evidently, had never waned.  
"I suppose I should say I'm sorry, shouldn't I? Sadly, I'm not," said Malfoy, half-clenched eyes.  
Harry finally had the courage to look him in the face, he saw him stiff, he saw him holding back a multitude of emotions that they probably had to share. God knows how much he wanted to clear his distance, first hugging him and then kissing him, caressing his thin hair. Everything, he had missed everything about him, from his voice to the perfume on his clothes, he had missed Draco in its entirety.  
He pressed everything there, on her lips and her heart, now in pain.  
"I'm not surprised, Draco," he sighed, sighing, one hand messing up his hair. "I can't believe we met again by chance."  
Draco smiled, neither for fun nor courtesy. It was a sarcastic smile, pungent and full of bitterness.  
"Why do you have to make me say it? Do you really think it was an accident?"  
Harry felt it shake. And he clearly saw a veil of tears.  
_Like it's going to rain, like the storm is going to break. _  
"...Ah, so it wasn't an accident?" he asked quietly, then silently calling himself stupid. Nothing happened without a reason, not in that case at least. And Draco was telling him, though not in words, that it was he who wanted to meet him.  
"Yeah, it wasn't an accident. I guess I was wrong to come here, though. Yeah, I was definitely wrong. This is inappropriate. What an idiot." Malfoy started shaking his head and whispering. What was he thinking, after all those years, to go to him? What exactly did he expect? Harry to welcome him with open arms? That all the distance would be wiped away?  
They'd been together once. But it was many, many years ago. Meanwhile there had been war, there had been his mistakes, they had grown and matured, they had gotten lost.  
Forever? They had stopped loving each other?  
Because if it was, then it wouldn't have hurt so bad. Harry saw him get up and quickly grabbed him by the wrist. And he was the one shaking.  
Because he missed the feel of his skin under his fingers.  
Every day of his damn life.  
"Draco, wait. Don't go. It's been so long..."  
"Exactly. It's been so long," he repeated, and then looked at him, smiling sadly. "I don't know exactly what I expected. Maybe that everything had remained the same. It's stupid, isn't it? Of course it can't be like that. Not anymore. And I don't belong here."  
Harry wouldn't let him go. Even when Draco had his back to him, he clung on, holding him from behind. And Malfoy was sure to miss him.  
"Harry, please..."  
"I missed you, Draco. Then you're real. Then I'm not dreaming."  
She held him tighter and from that position she took advantage of it to breathe his perfume, to touch his neck with her lips. Draco struggled weakly to resist, grabbed Harry's hand and held his chest, closing his eyes.  
"Leave me alone. I hate you. You dared to abandon me, in the face of the former Gryffindor you were," he murmured, with his broken voice, perhaps from crying or perhaps from the inevitable excitement he was finding himself feeling. Harry felt his eyes burn. He had always been brave and rather fearless, and the one time he had taken a step back had cost him dearly. Because with Draco, all his certainty had always been in vain. That boy, that young man, now in his arms seemed so fragile that he could break himself into a thousand pieces. And then again, perhaps he wasn't strong enough. Yet she held him, and yet he was there.  
"Hate me, you're right. I tried to move on, I swear I tried. Somehow I managed, but not quite. I thought you could fade away like a beautiful dream. I told myself the past was the past. And I wondered if maybe someday our eyes would cross again. Then maybe we'd have our lives, we'd just have one sweet memory left and..."  
Draco was able to find the strength to move away. He felt so angry that he wanted to crash him somewhere, not before he punched him, of course.  
"So that was your highest aspiration for us? Hoping that time would erase everything. Well, my dear Potter, the years have passed and though many things have changed, one has remained the same. My love for you. Damn it... Damn it..." Draco put his hand on his face, breathed to hold his tears and then went back to look at him. He made him weak, he made him emotional, he brought out his most fragile part. Harry sighed, he'd never blame him.  
"That's not it. I'm sure if not today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next month... I'd come looking for you."  
"Look at you, you're a living contradiction!" Draco pointed his tongue at him. There's no point in holding back now. "Do you have any idea what I've been through? After the war ended, my whole world collapsed, and for so long I was convinced I couldn't start over. It was difficult, terribly difficult. And there you were. In fact, you weren't..."  
"Draco..."  
"What's the problem? What's the problem? You didn't want to see me anymore because I disgust you? Yes, that would make sense actually! Why would Harry Potter, the savior of the Magic World, want to be with a former Death Eater? Because Harry, this is who I am, this is who I'll always be, I...!"  
He was finally putting it all out there, years of pain and anguish. But Harry couldn't hear him talking anymore, it hurt too much. So, even at the cost of being later cursed and insulted, he leaned forward and kissed him, listening only to his instinct, his heart. Draco held back a moan as tears came down his cheeks. That hadn't changed either. His kisses tasted exactly the same as before. She tightened her clothes, tried to pull him away and then hugged him harder, kissing him again and again, desperately. And in a second all her good intentions to keep herself cold and detached had gone to be blessed. But perhaps a part of himself had always known this: it could have ended very badly and or very well. How it was going now was just points of view.  
Harry saw the glasses fogging up, but that wasn't enough to get him off Draco. He had clung on to him, totally, unable to move away, unable to breathe and unable to do anything. He wondered how he could live all those years without him, and then he said he had never actually lived.  
"Harry... Harry..." Draco gasped his name, panting and pleading. Excitement dominated everything, even the air itself. At a certain point, Malfoy felt himself melt, felt his legs become jelly. But Harry clenched him, clumsily carried him to the couch, underneath himself, studding his neck with kisses, and feeling him stretch at every gesture.  
"No... don't think you can win it like that... you can be forgiven after all this time..."  
Draco pulled his hair to try to pull it off, but on the contrary Harry grabbed his hands, locking them over his head: he didn't seem angry, just deeply grieved.  
"For I do not deserve your forgiveness. But I can't detach myself, I've never been able to. Now that you're here, I can't stop."  
She kissed him again and Draco felt weak. For a moment he lost himself remembering memories that he pretended to forget.__

__

__Hogwarts, fifth year..._ _

__

___They were younger and unconscious at one time. Draco was fifteen and too proud to admit out loud that he was in love with Harry Potter. But it wasn't just his fault, the world wouldn't understand, his family first. But there was something even more surprising: Harry was in love with him too. Hard to believe that two like them would end up finding each other, Draco had heard so many times that stupid saying "From hate comes love. And as stupid as it was, he did get it. He couldn't even say when or why it happened. All he knew was that one day she kissed him. He, Draco Malfoy, had kissed Harry Potter. It wasn't so much the problem of being attracted to boys, it was more the fact that I was attracted to him. Why was that? What twist of fate was that?  
"Finally. Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for you?"  
Draco let him get away and then he bit his tongue, sent him on his way. Harry gasped, tired.  
"I'm sorry, but I had to find a way to get to the Astronomy Tower without being seen. Have you really been waiting for me long?" he asked as he approached.  
Draco turned his eyes away from him, looking rather upwards.  
"No, it's not that much," he whispered, just relaxing his shoulders. He was Draco Malfoy, impassable and arrogant to everyone, but in front of Harry he was just a guy with a bad temperament, much more fragile than he had always wanted to show. Harry approached him slowly, hugging him from behind, resting his hands on his heart.  
"I missed you," he whispered, making him shake. Hiding and loving each other in secret, one day it would be over. Draco wasn't stupid, by now he knew he was lost to Harry, maybe he wasn't so good at proving it or saying it, but that didn't change the reality of things. One day they would live in peace.  
"It will end, sooner or later. I'll tell my parents and they'll have to deal with it."  
Harry gouged out his eyes, grabbing his face to look at him.  
"This could cause problems for you."  
"I know, but this doesn't concern you," he said stiff. He wouldn't let Harry weigh his troubles, partly out of pride and partly because he cared too much.  
"Yes, it does concern me. We are together," protested Gryffindor, admitting to himself that he was pleasantly surprised. Even Draco could be a little Gryffindor at times, but this would have been better not to tell him.  
"Exactly. Look, you don't have to worry about that, all right? We'll be fine. I mean, I'm me! I never lose!" he winked, arrogant. But it was a front. Harry knew that. As he approached him, he wrapped his arms around his shoulders. And then she kissed him. They were oblivious and unaware that in a while their worries would be far worse. ____ _

____ _ _

____"Ah!" Draco gasped sharply, as Harry unbuttoned his shirt. He was lost in thought and didn't even realize he was half-naked under his touch. Harry bent down, gentle, kissing his fair skin. And Draco had let him, still with tears to wet his face.  
"Right now. Just now I had to think about us", he complained.  
"I've always thought of us," sighed Harry, going back up to kiss his face. Draco didn't seem to want to fight any more, and on the other hand he had never even tried. They had simply given in to their desperate will. Malfoy finally slipped his hands under his shirt, feeling his body, his warm skin. He hadn't lost control for a long, long time, but it was absolutely magnificent like that. He didn't like the fact that Harry was the only one still perfectly dressed, so he took care of it. Every garment they took off ended up on the floor, along with every year after that.  
"I missed you," whispered Harry in her ear. Draco's gaze now seemed to soften. He was just rubbing himself on him, caressing his features with his thin fingers.  
"It's not true," he replied, a bit capricious. Harry began to indulge his gestures, rubbing himself, bringing their erections together and making him moan.  
"It's true."  
"Ah... no!", he exclaimed, shrugging his shoulders. "You can't miss me. I was a horrible person. That's why you never looked for me. And then again, yes, it's my fault too. I told you everything would be okay, but I was a coward. I don't deserve any...!"  
Harry by now had figured out the best way to shut him up. Kiss him again, more desperately, as if his existence depended on it.  
"If you've been a horrible person, I've been no less. I let you go, convinced we'd never find each other again. In fact, maybe I convinced myself on purpose, because it was easier. Forgive me, Draco. Forgive me."  
Malfoy raised his head slightly. He had heard her tone crack, crack, perhaps from crying. And indeed, Harry's eyes were clear.  
It broke his heart, but he wanted to have it with him even more.  
"Don't cry. Fool of a Potter... This is not the time."  
She pulled him gently by his hair and brought him back to her, brushing his lips with her own. He missed most of all those moments, the moments of sweetness, those when there was no need to talk. Harry looked at him with his eyes half-closed, caressing his cheek. "Do you still love me, too? After all this time?"  
Draco ajar, sighing, surrendering completely.  
" _Always. _To my great misfortune."  
At those words Harry's face lit up. They hugged each other for a long time, playingfully biting each other like two children discovering each other for the first time.  
"So, go ahead or do you want me to do it? I don't care, you know."  
Draco relaxed on the couch, carrying his arms behind his head and watching him with an amused grin. For a moment Harry saw again the 15-year-old boy with whom he had discovered love. And he was now there, available to him, tense and excited. He caressed his thighs with his fingers, reaching up to his tense member, whom he squeezed into a fist. He certainly hadn't forgotten how to do it. He could never have, they had loved each other too much and for too long and certain things were still etched in both their memories. Draco gasped, spreading his legs a little.  
"Harry... Harry..." stroked his name with a broken tone, his cheeks flushed.  
_Let's cancel the damn distance. I died every day waiting for you[1]  
We died every day waiting for each other. _  
A groan left her lips still. His fingers clawed at the fabric of the sofa as Harry brushed it between his legs and further down in his most intimate spot.  
"Ah... yes, have fun, you'll get the same treatment later."  
Harry had to smile.  
"You want to tell me there's gonna be a later?" he whispered.  
Who could tell? They'd already lost too much time. They needed to talk, maybe get angry again, they had to get lost to find themselves again. Draco didn't answer, he just let himself be taken, he abandoned himself completely, just as he abandoned Harry. Lying beneath him, Draco found himself counting his lashes, listening to the sound of his breath, something he had now learned by heart. First he had felt his fingers, moistened with a lubricant that Harry had improvised with what he had found in the house. And then, finally, he felt him, in all his essence, fill it. Harry kissed the strands of his hair, brushed them carefully, cursing himself for being so stupid, but thanking everyone for having him back in his arms. If they had found each other again, maybe they were never really lost.  
"Say it again..." Harry gasped.  
"Wh-what?"  
"That you love me."  
"No... I'm not sure you deserve it... ah..." he sighed with his lips. Harry in fact, with his fingers, had climbed up his erection and started to move his hand up and down, firmly.  
Yeah, he sure could still do it.  
"I love you, I love you too much. And I like you, I like you so much, I like you so much," blew Harry. He adored everything about him, his temper, now softer, his look, the way it melted for him, the way he breathed, or the way it fitted perfectly with him.  
"Geez..." Draco almost whimpered. "I love you too, all right? How many more times do you have to make me say it?"  
Harry smiled, rubbing himself softly on him.  
_Again and again, over and over. _  
At one point Malfoy stiffened, sinking his fingernails into his flesh, while he felt a flush from his head. He reached the apex, dirtying his abdomen, but at the same time he felt Harry fill him with his liquid pleasure.  
And though the air was missing, both of them had never felt as alive as they did at that moment._______ _ _ _

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________They didn't know how long it had been or how many times they'd taken each other. But eventually they collapsed, tired, with each other's scent on them. Draco, however, despite his tiredness, could not fall asleep. On the contrary, he was wide awake and began to think. He remembered what they had once been. He blamed Harry, and then he blamed himself. Of course, he had turned to the Death Eaters, he had done reprehensible things, he hadn't found the courage to go to Harry at the end of the war, maybe to ask his forgiveness. Partly out of pride, partly because he feared he'd been rejected. And yet there they were, together again. There wasn't much room on that couch, but Harry had clung to him as best he could, with his eyes closed, yet not deeply asleep. In a rush of sweetness and melancholy, Draco approached his face, breathing in the scent of his skin. This is enough for Harry to open his eyes again.  
"Sorry, I think I dozed off."  
"Take your _mind off it, that _'s just the way it is," he mumbled, barely moving. "Well, I certainly didn't expect it to end like this."  
"How did you think that would end?" Harry pulled up the blanket he'd recovered, looking for the glasses he'd taken off earlier.  
"I thought we were going to kill ourselves in the first place," he said. "I kind of deserved it. It's my fault."  
"Draco," Harry focused his image. "Stop blaming yourself. "What happened before... you were just a boy..."  
"But I promised you we'd get on with it together," Draco barely rose, seized with nervousness. "I really wanted to do it, but then it all got out of my control. And... why don't you hate me? I became your enemy. That's why you didn't come looking for me, isn't it? I mean, after..."  
Harry shook his head, caressing his cheek.  
"I don't care. You've suffered enough for your choices. You're not bad. You never were. You did the wrong things... and yet here you are. You have nothing to be ashamed of. At best, it's me," he closed his eyes and said. "You know, for everyone, I'm the savior of the Magic World. And they're right, but maybe I'm not so brave. Because after the war was over, I should have come to you. I didn't, and not because I hated you. But because I didn't know how to help you. You were broken, and I... I was afraid that you weren't you anymore. That there was nothing I could do to get you back. I'm sorry, I was stupid and cowardly."  
Draco watched him in silence. He reached out his hands to caress his cheeks, now wet. And it made him weep. After the war, he never thought he could have an easy life. Perhaps forever he'd be seen as a traitor, as one who'd do better not to exist. Yet Harry didn't look at him with pity or anger or resentment. He still loved him, they still loved each other.  
"Yes, you were. And I was no less. I recovered, slowly. But in a way, Harry, I stayed behind. Maybe I was resigned," he looked him in the eye. " _Maybe _I too would have settled for a life where I could only look at you from a distance."  
Harry smiled, wiping away his tears.  
"You know what? I think loving is not looking at each other, but looking in the same direction together. Even if we're separated, we've never stopped doing it. We wouldn't be here otherwise. You were in my way."  
"You on mine," Draco sighed, relieved, as if a piece of his heart had returned to its place. "So what should we do now? Start again? I mean... the savior of the magical world with a former Death Eater?"  
Harry laughed, shrugging.  
"Surely we'll make a sensation. But I want to make up for all the time I've lost now that we've found each other."  
He caressed her fingers and Draco blushed, looking up at the sky and cursing himself for being so damn sentimental. But he looked away, and then he smiled, without the other one seeing him. The sun was rising._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
